There are many different things I would like to be doing, to be creating but I find myself consumed by my family. I have all these ideas but can not find the time to submerge myself in them. I am amazed by the productivity and accomplishments of some mothers. I feel as though I should be able to get some of these things done but day after day passes. I notice that if I simply surrender myself to parenting in many ways I am much happier but find that I am left craving to create and accomplish something other than cleaning, cooking, cleaning, cleaning, cleaning. Though when I apply my attention to a project I find myself irritated and frustrated by not being able to concentrate on what I am doing because my attention is being demanded else where. Its a small roller coaster of emotions. I am seriously in aw of woman who seem to do it all and with such grace. It gives me this feeling of "why does it seem so hard for me", not that my life is hard because don't get me wrong my life is blessed and I am extremely fortunate this I know. But, why does it seem so difficult for me to find that balance? The balance between family and self. I mean is there such a thing? There seems to be when I see the success of other women, wives, mothers. At least from an outsiders perspective that is.
I remind myself again and again of my dear fortune. I take deep breaths and cherish that not once but three times a day I get to cradle and rock a wining, fussing and fighting boy as he approaches sleep. Sleep that never seems to last long enough, usually under an hour with the slightest noises stirring him. Sincerely, I do feel fortunate and maybe that is why I feel guilt for wanting more and not always feeling fulfilled by my honor of being a mother or the guilt for feeling impatient and frustrated. I honestly would not change a thing. Though finding success in the balancing act would be nice, as well as longer nap times without the fight of course.